1. If you have a bone to pick with your partner, invite him / her to sit down. Explain that you don't understand what he / she said or did, and admit that it hurt your feelings, made you angry, or whatever effect it had. Give your partner time to respond, and don't contradict him / her.
"It hurt my feelings when you discussed my weight in front of your mother."
"I felt angry when you told me I spent too much on my mom's birthday."
You may not like what your partner has to say in response, but listen anyway. If what he / she says confuses you, ask him / her to explain.
"Does it matter to you how much I weigh? If it does, can you tell me why?"
"Are you worried about money? I thought we had enough for the gift I bought."
If you discuss your annoyances rationally, you will at least understand what your partner's concerns are.
If you start out with:"Don't you EVER discuss my weight in front of your mother again."
or
"You're such a cheap skate. It seems we spend plenty on your relatives."
you may be justified, but after the yelling and screaming, you won't be any better informed. The disagreement may be aired, but it won't be settled. If you threaten, curse or pout, your partner will be more inclined to dig his / her heels in and feel justified in repeating his / her offensive behavior. If he / she knows how you received his / her words, and that they were hurtful, maybe he / she will act differently in the future.
2. Don't contradict your partner when he / she shares his / her feelings. Don't minimize his / her experience, or tell him / her he /she is exaggerating. Even if you think he /she is wrong, remember, you can only know how you feel, and you won't know his / her feelings until he / she tells you. You can't know exactly how your words or actions feel to someone else unless you let him / her tell you.
"When you say things like that in front of people, it embarrasses me."."
"I didn't realize you felt that way. I didn't interpret her expression as disgust."
"That's how it feels to me. I would appreciate it if you would not comment on my body in public."
is much more constructive than:
"Oh she does not! She knows I'm kidding you! Lighten up!"
3. The silent treatment may have worked on your best friend in high school, but your partner doesn't have any reason to put up with your manipulative behavior for long. Comments such as "you know why I'm mad" and "ask your sister, she heard what you said" may make you feel better, but, again, they aren't informative. We'd all like to think the reason for our anger is universal, and that a person in his / her right mind would understand how we feel without being told. However, your partner may genuinely not know why your mad, sorry, disappointed, or angry with him / her, and if you withhold this information, he / she will lose interest in guessing. Tell him / her the truth in as calm a voice as you can, even if it is obvious to you why you are offended. We have all had different life experiences, and your partner's may not have included events that would inform him / her that his / her behavior is hurtful to some. In short, lack of information, not malice may be behind your partner's hurtful actions.
Come one, come all! Lucille Uttermohlen has been a family law attorney for 27 years, and she will answer your questions about dating, unmarried partnerships, marriage and divorce either at her web site http://www.couple-or-not.com or if you write to her at lucille@utter-law.com or lucille@couple-or-not.com
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