Abandon The Boyfriend Excuse Even If You Have A Boyfriend

I'm going to confess to you, right here and now, that I have done feminism a great disservice. And I hate myself for it. What's worse, I'm a repeat offender. And I did it because it was easier. Because I worried about hurting someone or having them hate me. I wanted to put the blame elsewhere. And I'm not only sorry I did it, but am making a pledge to stop. And it's using the "I have a boyfriend" excuse to dock, dodge, or deflect unwanted attention. Because telling a guy you aren't interested in him because you're "taken," whether you really are or not, weakens and undermines your respect and self worth. Unless you stop relying on this cultural crutch, you're choosing to vote against yourself, again and again. Look, as I said, I've done it, many times-even when I was 100% single, and full-on lied about it. And every time I've said those words to someone I know I just really wasn't interested in, I've felt a hiccup of self-loathing, and had the unsettling sense that I was trying to hide behind my high school boyfriend's Varsity jacket. And with good reason: I was using an excuse ("I can't") in place of my opinion ("Not interested"). All of which is triggered by a lousy premise: That "he" is the only thing keeping me from flying into the arms of any man who will take me. I'm sorry-are you a table with a "reserved" sign on it? A coat on layaway? Since when do you solely exist to hold a place for someone else? You can see how this is just a bad path to go down. Alecia Lynn Eberhardt just nailed in her blog post on the topic. (P.S. who is this woman because I now adore her). She writes, "The idea that a woman should only be left alone if she is "taken" or "spoken for" (terms that make my brain twitch) completely removes the level of respect that should be expected toward that woman. It completely removes the agency of the woman, her ability to speak for herself and make her own decisions regarding when and where the conversation begins or ends." Yes, yes, and yes. The thing I hate most about the boyfriend line is "that it works." But at what price? Every time you and I use the boyfriend excuse, we give credence to the idea that we don't have opinions or desires of our own. We are the property of someone else, which removes us wholly from the decision at hand. It's a huge ass cop out. (And no, it's not quite the same as saying "I have a work thing" when you don't want to go to another thing. White lies have their place and don't get me started on that.) YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION, OR DEBATE By the way, it's not that your boyfriend isn't enough of a reason not to run off with someone else. Of course, if he exists and your commitment is real, you will show that bond respect-but that's your business. Fact is, if you're not interested in this other person, that's your decision either way (and let's not pretend that people haven't fallen in love with other people regardless of their relationship status). Point is, your relationships are not up for debate or discussion. In fact, the only time it is ok to use your boyfriend as an excuse per se is when you literally WOULD love to get to know said guy better, but have to pass because you are in a committed thing. But even "then" it's not blaming the boyfriend, but owning up to the decision to choose your relationship over this new potential. The difference is between honoring your commitment and apologizing for not being available. And there is a difference. And in the situations where you lie about having a partner as the basis for turning someone down, you're basically saying that any man's claim on you is more powerful than your own wishes, "even if the man does not exist." YOU'RE AFRAID TO BREAK UNWRITTEN RULES Look, I get it. You've got the best of intentions: You don't want to offend. You, like me, and most women, are taught to adhere to our own genderized Hippocratic Oath from a very young age: "First, do no harm." And the second unwritten rule, which is "Always be liked." That one's got a bigger grip on you than you realize. Because even if you don't want to date this guy, you don't want him not to like you (admit it). It's worth adding that our collective memory is strong, and resisting men hasn't really worked out so great for us, pretty much throughout all of human history. And there's still plenty of reason to fear. (Do we need to revisit the horrendous stabbing of a Connecticut student when she turned down a prom invitation?) But if you want to be taken seriously and want your choices to be respected, you need to start owning them, instead of excusing them. I say this KNOWING that this advice falls under the "nice to dish out, hard to eat" category. But being respected and heard means making what may be an unpopular decisions-and risk being disliked, even hated. A rebuffed man may very well accuse you of being: a bitch, a lesbian, a bitter old spinster. But if you allow that fear to shape your responses, you'll always put your wants second to others'. You'll sabotage your efforts at attaining the self-possession and power that's yours for the taking. And that would be a crying shame. (Definitely check out Eberhardt Smith.)

Origin: relationships-rescue.blogspot.com