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This week I'm re-publishing a blog about relationships as it really connects with how values can clash in a relationship. Next week I will write a new blog about security and relationships.
Here is the relationship blog to get you started.
I want to start this week with a confession! Two weeks ago I wrote a blog called "I love you, now change!" I was rather proud of the title, now imagine my shock when I realised it was someone else's idea!
This morning I picked up my copy of SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN MIND because I knew there was an article I wanted to reference this week, called "the Partnership Paradox". On the cover of this copy was a phrase "I love you, now change."
So big apologies, my unconscious mind picked up the great idea and re-cycled it for my blog. The article by Joe Palca and Flora Lichtman was picking up on some other aspects of the issues that can often cloud relationships.
They were writing about a common observation that in relationship we often become most annoyed by the very thing that attracted us in the first place. Now this is similar to the ideas I was writing about two weeks ago however their explanation has some differences.
The explanations offered are connected to social exchange and equity theories. Equity theory suggests that social norms encourage a sense of fairness, we feel more comfortable if we are being treated equitably.
When the relationship starts to feel out of balance for any reason there is a sense of discomfort in the partner who feels the unfairness. This is likely to be an unconscious realisation that may manifest as just feeling we are being taken advantage of.
For example, imagine someone is attracted to a partner for their laid back and fun attitude to life. According to this model it is likely to be a trait we do not exhibit ourselves. In the early days this feels attractive and admirable.
As the relationship progresses beyond the honeymoon phase this trait starts to be perceived differently. Perhaps there is a sense that the partner is irresponsible, leaving all the hard decisions to you while having all the fun.
We might even still like or be comfortable with this trait in others but become annoyed with it in our partner. Why would that be?
According to Palca and Lichtman the trait becomes an issue because we cannot escape it.
We can spend social time with another person like this but we get to go home. Our partner is still there day in, day out. The issue is over-exposure. Diane Felmlee, University of California calls this "disillusionment".
Felmlee associates this with social exchange theory, according to her extreme traits have rewards but they also have costs especially for people in relationship. This is why the hardworker seems to transform into the workaholic. Their behaviour may not have changed, what has changed is the over exposure to this trait so that it now appears unattractive to their partner.
Unsurprisingly the solution begins with self-awareness, where a couple realise what is happening there is the opportunity to change their reactions. The steps are straightforward.
* Recognise that what is annoying you is what first attracted you to your partner.
* Remind yourself why you were attracted to this trait and re-frame your new reactions more positively.
* Identify your own extreme traits, understand how they may be perceived by your partner, or as Felmlee suggests increase your awareness of your own flaws.
* Share new experiences with your partner regularly to give you counters to both of your habitual behaviours.
These steps are certainly a great place to start, from my own perspective I think they are still not addressing the more in depth part of this process. Felmlee's approach seems to be based mainly on learning to put up with the annoyance.
It seems to me that we could look at ways to extinguish the annoyance. In the coming weeks we will explore this a little further for now consider the following ideas.
* If we liked it at the beginning why can we not continue to like it?
* If we were to really communicate with each other what would happen?
* If we examine our own habitual behaviours and find them change worthy, why not just change them?
* Is it possible to be truly accepting of others?
* What would happen if we lived our relationship in the present?
I will return to these questions over the next few weeks, do send me your thoughts about them first. I would love to hear what you have to say.
If you would like to read more about the article mentioned above see "Scientific American Mind", Jan/Feb 2012 or go to their website
www.scientificamerican.com/mind
For those of you looking for personal development tools to help you with self-esteem, relationships and many other aspects of life consider joining us in March for a 9 day intensive NLP PRACTITIONER PROGRAMME. You will be amazed at how much you transform if you give yourself the opportunity! Click on the link below for more information.
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DailyMail:- You are reading and looking PIXIE LOTT AND DIANA VICKERS SHOW OFF THEIR MATCHING BLONDE DO'S AT ASHISH. As YOUNG FEMALE POP STARS they have a lot in common - not least their matching blonde hairdos. It was difficult to tell Pixie Lott and Diana Vickers apart as they posed together at London Fashion Week. The two also share an interest in fashion, dressing to stand out from the crowd. click on read more option to see more photos.......Fancy seeing you here! POP STARS DIANA VICKERS and PIXIE LOTT compare their matching blonde hairstyles at the Ashish show at London Fashion Week yesterday X FACTOR STAR DIANA wore a daring blue belted jumpsuit, while Pixie wore an equally eye-catching but very different all-black outfit of sheer lace top and mini skirt. But the 19-year-olds had plenty of competition from the rest of the stylish front row at Ashish, which included Lady Victoria Hervey, singer Paloma Faith and DJ Jodie Harsh.All-star front row: Paloma Faith, Diana Vickers, Jodie Harsh, Lady Victoria Hervey and Pixie Lott watch the show at Ashish The group seemed captivated by the Western influenced designs of ASHISH GUPTA'S COLLECTION. From the boots emblazoned with McDonald's and Heinz logos, to the ethnic printed mini-dresses and animal print skirts there was more than a hint of Toy Story. Ashish himself said he was inspired by: 'Summer vacations, holiday romance and faraway places.'Here he comes: MODELS ON THE CATWALK with designer Ashish Gupta at the Ashish spring/summer collection at Somerset House Fantasy: The clothes were Western inspired, with modern American culture reflected in the McDonald's and Heinz logos on the boots Via Dailymail
Credit: young-pickup-artist.blogspot.com
Good morning! I hope you've had a wonderful week - it's been horrible weather here in soggy old Yorkshire, which means I've been bundled up in my huge yellow coat looking rather like Rhubarb and Custard. A word of advice - think about the colour of your winter coat "before "dyeing your hair a stupid colour.Anyway, I've had a brilliant week thanks to various financial problems being resolved and I've also had an excellent book week. Although what week "isn't "an excellent book week really?So. Three of the four books in the photo at the top were library reserves - "The Pirates! in an Adventure with Scientists, Girl in Hyacinth Blue "and "A Dangerous Method. "The other one, "Blood Bound "by Rachel Vincent, I saw on the shelf and grabbed because I've never read a book of hers I haven't loved."I've actually already read Pirates!.... Scientists "and my God, I "loved "it. Read my review here, although be prepared for a lot of raving. It's a teeny tiny book and I can't wait to read the others in the series. "A Dangerous Method",however, is most definitely "not "a teeny tiny book. I'm not sure if you can see in the top image, but that book is "huge. "Worse, when you open it, the pages are full of the most minescule text you can possibly imagine. It's a shame because I do want to read it (movie cover aside) but it does put me off a little. I'll just have to wait until I'm feeling ambitious!"Girl in Hyacinth Blue "by Susan Vreeland is supposed by the tale of a painting as it's traced back through its many owners. It's very "Girl with a Pearl Earring"-y as I can imagine it has the same style and it's actually about a different Vermeer painting, although a fictional one.I have to admit that "Blood Bound "doesn't appeal to me as much as Rachel Vincent's other series - like the "Shifters "series (staring with "Stray) "or "Soul Screamers (My Soul to Take). "But still, like I said above - I've never read a book of hers I didn't like, so I'm more than willing to give this one a go!I love these Penguin clothbound classics - I'm slowly trying to collect them, although they're quite expensive so I haven't got many. I'm only buying the ones I like though, so I just couldn't resist buying "A Christmas Carol "this week. You know what's strange though - of the four books I've bought so far, I've ended up buying them in exact alphabetical order! Austen, Bronte, Carroll, Dickens... shame I can't think of a classical author beginning with E!I have a bit of a strange relationship with Jodi Picoult - I either adore her books beyond all reason like "My Sister's Keeper "or "Handle with Care, "or I can barely finish them like "Change of Heart "or "The Pact. "I think I just like the medical/legal books so much more. Now though, thanks to a quick wander through the charity shops yesterday, I now own every single Jodi Picoult book that I actually want to read. Judging by the size of my TBR pile, it'll be ages before I even "think "about reading them, but that's hardly the point now is it? :)What did you get in your mailbox this week?
Let's be honest. Leadership is an attractive subject to many.
I talk with so many younger people, and some my age, who want to be in leadership. They may feel they've been passed up, haven't been given their chance (or second chance) or sometimes they are patiently (or not so patiently) waiting.
I understand. If you are prone to leadership, or have your eye on being a leader, nothing quite satisfies you until you get to do what you think you're ready to do.
But in my observation, there may be some common reasons you aren't yet leading. Perhaps understanding them can help you if you're in that situation. I'll follow each one with my advice.
Here are the 5 reasons I have observed for why people aren't yet leading:
1. YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING OR ANYONE TO LEAD. You say you would lead if someone gave you an opportunity.
My advice: Find something to lead. The world is full of problems. Choose one of them you are most passionate about and start leading. Motivate people towards finding or working a solution. Lead. We need you.
2. YOU ARE AFRAID. You really want to lead, but you fear you may not have what it takes.
My advice: Get over it. Pray hard, lean on God heavily, but lead. That's what leaders do. Leading takes people into the unknown. It's natural to be afraid. Be willing to walk by faith.
3. YOU GAVE UP. You tried leading and it was hard. You got hurt. Perhaps you failed. So you quit.
My advice: Get up and try again. The best leaders have failed many times, perhaps more times than they have succeeded. That's what makes them a success. That they tried again and again until something stuck. Get back in the game. You'll motivate us by your return.
4. YOU DON'T THINK YOU KNOW HOW. You don't think you ever learned the secrets of leadership. You have more questions than answers. You're waiting until you have more answers than questions.
My advice: Join the school of leadership. Leaders are all around you. And they are still learning too. The best never quit learning. So join in. Watch, listen, read, ask questions. It's what we do. You can learn skills of leadership if you are teachable. The best leaders are still figuring it out daily.
5. YOU THINK YOU DON'T HAVE AUTHORITY TO LEAD. You feel you are in a stifling environment. No one is looking to you to lead them.
My advice: Either learn to "lead up"--influencing people that are supposed to lead you--or find a place that values your input. The world is changing and the newest and healthiest environments allow people to grow in leadership. Or learn to lead within your own context. If you're in a ministry, lead volunteers the best you know how. Be the best where you are today. Or, find a cause outside your work environment--and be a leader there. The experience will shape you for future assignments.
Just a few thoughts. But, here's a final one: If you feel you're supposed to be a leader--and you're currently not--no more excuses. Lead. That's what leaders do.
RON EDMONDSON "is the senior pastor of Immanuel Baptist Church in Lexington, Kentucky. For the , visit "ronedmondson.com.
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Do you find yourself stuck in a rut? One way to find your inner self help motivation is to know your underlying values to be able to focus on your goals.
The article below addresses the issues on finding self help motivation. Enjoy!
ARE YOU IN NEED OF SELF HELP MOTIVATION?
By Michael Nair
Millions of people spend their days filled with fear, doubts and insecurities. We allow our perceived faults to prevent us from living the life we desire. We know that we could be living with confidence and self-assuredness, but often need self help motivation. We often need something that will make finding help a priority.
Some people find this motivating moment when a new exciting opportunity presents itself. Maybe it's a new job or a promotion that causes one to realize it is time to find the inner confidence and be able to succeed. For others it may be an upcoming move to a new town or neighborhood or even the budding of a new romance.
Look at your life. Are you one of the millions that know you would be happier if you were less insecure? Are you someone that wishes you could enter a room with your head held high and not be afraid that everyone is looking at you? Maybe you just wish that you could learn to love yourself. The thing is, it is possible to have the inner strength to succeed.
Finding the self help motivation you need can come easily. You just need to have a desire to change, a deep need to be rid of your insecurities and a willingness to read and accept help. Remember, it starts with "You" wanting that change. There are many eBooks that you can download and read from the privacy of your living room and personal strategies that you can employ over time. It took years of life pummeling you to get at this stage but it need not take the same to undo the damage. Those insecurities can be undone.
Tomorrow cannot be any different unless you choose to make some changes today. Self help motivation should be as simple as knowing you could be living the life you desire and deserve! Make the choice today to start on the road to a better tomorrow.
Michael Nair owns the Self Help Books Store. His website focuses on Self Help books and strategies and features a FREE Search Engine on more than 11,000 titles for your Self Help success. No sign up required! Check it out at: Self Help Books
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael Nair
http://EzineArticles.com/?Are-You-in-Need-of-Self-Help-Motivation?&id=4226066
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I was motivated to notate "The Gilded Lily" by three substance. Maximum, the power of the stories we get tangled as adolescent. Second, the Frost Fairs on the concrete Thames in the 1660's. And third, but not minimum, the different characters of Ella and Sadie Appleby.
As a young woman I devoured books and stories of all types. One of my originally musing is of my parents telling me goblin tales about Petite Red Riding Hood and The Billy Goats Grouchy, and defeat under the bed from the Big Bad Bolt. I had clear threadbare old books from my mother called "The Blonde Surprise Books" which included tales of the Brothers Grimm, Tales from Shakespeare, Aesop and Homer, and free verse, all charmingly illustrated by artists such as Arthur Rackham. From these stories I learnt about Knights and Princesses, about high beliefs and good behaviour. To the same extent I grew up I think I subconsciously looked for a Knight to rinse me off my feet, and it took me convincingly a few relationships and a divorce to realise that it wasn't separation to be convincingly that easy! The morality of the stories that we read get away in to us, but not just the stories we read, the stories a good deal people tell us about ourselves. Ella Appleby has always been "the charming one," and Sadie her sister "the skilful one" (and by connotation, not charming.) How does this heartbroken them behind they have to mode their lives again from point, and requirement make their way in society? Ella tells stories all the time, but what is the difference amid a story and a lie?
In the 1660's England was rapt by The Petite Ice Age. Temperatures in the Inner-city of London dropped so low that the Thames frozen over and the life-blood of the metropolitan area froze in its veins. But London was just getting better from living of Puritan tyranny in which all sorts of easing had been banned. The bears in the bear-baiting nadir had been settle, not so bear-baiting was inhumane, but so the Puritans signal it was just too manageable. So behind Charles came back to the throne people were departing to hang loose and the concrete Thames provided singular validate for easing. The Frost Fairs had tented booths with alehouses and chocolate shops; portray was skating and ice dinner service, jugglers and musicians. The Sovereign level surface paraded his horse guards over the ice. The fused of meaningful weather, in which game birds froze in cross, and the rationale of the people to anyhow dance it, was a enchanting one.
Behind schedule cessation "The Lady's Slipper" I had still best quality story to tell about Ella Appleby the maid. In "The Lady's Slipper" from Alice's point of view Ella is crafty and ineffective in beliefs. I wondered how she saw herself, and why she behaved the way she did, and gave her a book to herself to find out. (But "The Gilded Lily" stands in competition and you do not need to read the a good deal book to understand the story.) Ella's financial system flair is in her close relationship with her younger sister Sadie. "The Gilded Lily" explores the different characters amid the sisters as they skirmish with their new lives and animate with each a good deal. One of the substance I loved about writing them was that they were not the full intellectuals who typically community former invention. These were homeland girls, struggling to move upwards in society. I had to find a total new language for them, a total contrasting set of sufficient morality and aspirations. For them, possibly break-in may well be right, in some box.
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