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Having low self esteem means more than just thinking you look fat in your jeans or that the girl youre chatting with at the bar wont like you - it brings a whole host of problems along with it. People with low self esteem suffer from a debilitating lack of confidence, depression, stress, jealousy, and general anxiety. I should knowIve suffered from it for years.
If you have low self-esteem, dating can be more than a little trying - as can relationships. When you dont believe strongly in your own worth, its all-too-easy to create unhealthy dynamics within your relationships. Or to be unable to start a relationship at all. Fortunately, there are ways to deal with low self esteem while dating. Its all about facing the problem head-on.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM. If youve had the type of relationship problems that seem to repeat themselves over and over, your low self esteem may be causing it. Almost like alcoholism, one of the first steps in improving low self esteem is acknowledging that you have it. Because while low self esteem is patently obvious in some people, it can be hidden in others - even from themselves. A little self evaluation can go a long way.
LEARN TO IGNORE THE WHISPER. Those of us who suffer from low self esteem are often bombarded by whispering doubts about our worth. To date and socialize successfully with low self esteem, you need to learn to block out those whispers of doubt. In other words, when your mind tells you that everybody thinks youre behaving stupidly, or that your shouldnt air your worthless opinions, or that your date is fixating on the pores in your nose, try to push it away. Recognizing that your doubts come from your low self esteem rather than from the actual feelings of the people around you is a hugely important step in learning to feel better about who you are.
AIM HIGH. Those who suffer from low self esteem have an overwhelming pessimism about their prospects and their abilities - at least in some specific areas. Because they believe that they arent truly worth more, and wouldnt be able to sustain anything better, those with low self esteem tend to partner up with people who will exploit them and their weaknesses. If you have low self esteem, its important to allow yourself to aim high - even if you doubt your abilities to reach your target. Disparaging yourself and aiming low in your relationships will only open you up to being taken advantage of. And your relationships failure will do nothing but deepen your self-doubts. Its a vicious cycle.
WORK THROUGH YOUR PROBLEMS. This may fall last on my list, but its probably the most important part of dealing with low self esteem. Your self esteem comes from somewhere - something in your childhood, or an event that left you scarred - and uncovering what that is is key. And while introspection and self-evaluation can be very helpful in tracking down the source of your low self esteem, the best thing is to speak with a professional. A counselor can help you to understand where your self esteem issues come from - and teach you the methods you should use to defeat it
CUTTING AMERICA'S DIVORCE RATE
No-fault divorce has had a devastating effect on our culture. For decades now, one spouse has been able to unilaterally destroy their marriage, family and children. The marriage contract is the only contract in America that doesn't mean anything. In no other contractual agreement, can one person walk away without repercussions. You can't even break a contract with a plumber or a cell phone company without paying a penalty! Not so with marriage - one spouse can just walk away and the other one has no legal grounds to stop it, even if he or she doesn't want the divorce. Sadly, this is the case in far too many divorces.
There are some possible solutions to this troubling problem. People and groups such as Mike McManus and his organization Marriage Savers are advocating changes in laws to eliminate no-fault divorce. Additionally, some states now have what is called covenant marriage. This is an option where when you marry you sign a covenant that requires pre-marital counseling and it also makes a divorce more difficult to obtain. Essentially, you choose to say "no" to the option of no-fault divorce. This way it takes more than just one spouse deciding that he or she isn't happy and walking away to end the marriage. I highly recommend that all states lobby for such an option, because it would give the Church a lot more power to wield against no-fault divorce than we realize!
Think this through: 90% of marriages are performed in a church. Currently in most churches people can get married with nothing required for them. What if the Church began to build a new standard among people of faith? We need to start telling couples you can't be living together, you have to go through pre-marital counseling, you have to sign a covenant and agree to counseling when things get tough. That way when people come to a church and want to get married, we can say: we'll only marry you if you choose covenant marriage. Besides, it's a free country and if you don't want to get married under a covenant, then go to Vegas or the justice of the peace. But, if you want to get married in a church now it means something. We could virtually eliminate no-fault divorce because the church has the upper hand.
But we must have the option of the covenant where you just can't walk out in the marriage if you feel like it. There may be divorce because of adultery or abuse, but honestly, most marriages don't end for those reasons. Most end because one just doesn't want to be married anymore, or they say it's irreconcilable, or one leaves because the other spouse isn't meeting their emotional needs or their pets don't get along. People leave for the dumbest reasons and pay a really high price... and sadly for children, they pay an even higher price.
Most marriages can be saved, but not in the situation where one person walks out and the other one has no say. If Christians were really smart, this is a battle that we would be fighting for when it comes to marriage. We have more power to change the culture and preserve marriages and families than we think.
PAIN AND PEACE: HOW TO TRANSITION
When it comes to your emotional state of being,
there's a big difference between being in pain
and true suffering. What's the difference? And
how is this relevant for your marriage?
Let me illustrate with a story.
There once was a man who was sentenced to 25
years of backbreaking labor. His wrists were tied
to the handle of a huge wheel that was inlaid in
the wall. His job was to turn the wheel 10 hours
a day.
For years, day in and day out, the prisoner would
wonder what he was doing with this wheel. What
was the meaning of his work? What was on the
other side of this wall? Was he grinding grain?
Pulling up water? Moving some sort of conveyer
belt?
For 25 years he contemplated the meaning of his
work, and for 25 years he spun that wheel. It was
grueling, but he survived.
When his sentence was complete he was released
from prison. The first thing he did was run to
the other side of the wall to see what he had
been doing all this time.
What did he see?
Nothing!
There was nothing attached to the wheel. For 25
years, 10 hours a day, he was spinning a wheel
for absolutely no purpose. When the man realized
his true sentence, he collapsed and died.
The prisoner was able to survive 25 years of
backbreaking labor, but when he realized that it
was all for nothing, he couldn't survive for
another moment.
So what's the difference between pain and
suffering?
Pain has a purpose.
Suffering is true torture because it has no
meaning.
Pain is bearable. Suffering for no reason is
devastating.
Ask any woman about child labor. How was it?
Would you do it again? Most women will answer: It
was painful, but I didn't suffer. I would do it
again.
This is the key to save a marriage and
making it through to a new love and peace with
your spouse.
If you think there's no purpose to your emotional
hurt, you'll just want out. You'll run from your
kids, your responsibility, your vows...you'll run
from it all just to get relief from an unbearable
suffering.
But if you can come to understand why you're in
this situation, then you'll succeed to make it
through like a woman in child labor.
Why is this happening to you? What are you
supposed to be learning from all of this? Can you
see how your marital problems are really an
opportunity for you and your spouse?
I remember when my wife and I were going through
what seemed to be unbearable emotional pain as a
result of the loss of our 3 children and our
marriage problems. But now I see it all
differently. Yes, we were in pain, but we didn't
suffer. And although I might script things
differently if I were God, my wife and I now feel
a sense of peace and happiness that we wouldn't
trade for anything. Yes, we lost a lot, but we
gained each other and forged a marriage that has
become a wellspring of joy in our life.
Since those painful times, I've been blessed with
the opportunity to lead thousands of people who
are suffering in their marriage to a new peace
and happiness with their spouse. I've found a way
to do it even with the most difficult and unusual
situations.
For all of these people, the beginning of that
process was the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp.
And you can read about hundreds of stories in
addition to mine on this web site.
Warm regards,
HOW TO SAY I'M SORRY
Have you ever heard the expression,
"Love is never having to say you're sorry?"
Sometimes I wonder how such utterly ridiculous
expressions become commonly accepted. If you're
close to someone, you're going to step on their
toes occasionally. And when you hurt someone,
ESPECIALLY YOUR SPOUSE, it's important to say,
"I'm sorry."
Not only is it important to say "I'm sorry," but
it's important to say it well. Sometimes the
words alone are not enough. You've got to get
inside your spouse's heart, feel their pain, and
in order for them to forgive you, they have to
feel COMPLETELY understood. Otherwise, you might
say, "I'm sorry," and your spouse might say,
"It's okay," but nothing will change. You could
be stuck in that hurt for years.
I wish for you and your spouse that you
SUCCESSFULLY move through your past hurt and that
"I'm sorry" restores your relationship the way
those 2 magic words have the power to do.
Warm regards,
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